Living with a narcissist can be challenging. But when that person is your parent, it can damage emotional growth and the ability to trust. In a recent conversation, Dr. Karyl McBride a pioneer on the devastating effects of narcissistic abuse, provided answers for anyone desperate for help in overcoming the damage of being raised in a family headed by a narcissistic parent. She discussed the red flags and provided insight into how to begin the healing process.
On recognizing a narcissist:
I think the real cornerstone is the lack of empathy and the inability to tune into the emotional world of other people. Other red flags would be a sense of entitlement and interpersonally exploiting others.
“These children end up with internalized negative messages like I’m not good enough, I’m not lovable, I’m not worthy. ”
On the narcissistic family:
The mantra of the narcissistic family, which means the family is being led by one or two narcissistic parents, is that the parent’s needs take precedence over the children’s needs. In a normal, healthy family, the parents are there to take care of the children. In a narcissistic family, that hierarchy is reversed and the children are there to take care of the parents, to make the parents happy, to make the parents look good. Children that grow up with a lack of emotional tune in and empathy experience devastating effects.
On the root cause:
I think it s caused from the trauma that the parent’s had. If people don’t wake up or embrace that trauma, they will parent the way they were parented. That’s why it gets passed down from generation to generation. They don’t stop and think if they want to do the same type of emotional damage that was done to them.
On the devastating results:
These children end up with internalized negative messages like I’m not good enough, I’m not lovable, I’m not worthy. They grow up with an emptiness because they didn’t get their emotional tanks filled. They grow up with crippling self doubt because their feelings were not validated or acknowledged. Sometimes they have complex PTSD and a lack of sense of self. They often have anxiety, depression, and shame because they carry the family shame. They have difficulty trusting because they couldn’t rely on their parents. Often there is an impaired emotional development.
On codependency:
I believe when we grow up in a narcissistic family we learn codependency, which means I’m gonna take care of you to the exclusion of taking care of myself. Often they have a level of codependency that they have work on in treatment
On the key to recovery:
I don’t think we can do this recovery unless we accept something wasn’t right. That the parent had a disorder. People can’t get into the trauma work, the grief work, the rebuilding self of work, if they don’t understand where it came from.